Thank You Notes Dilemma

My mom passed away a year ago. My dad, sister and half brother died many years ago. So Mom was all I had left. My half-brother was the son of my dad's first wife and I didn't know he even existed until I was a teen (I am 65 now). I mention this because my "sister-in-law" is the reason I am contacting you. There were many cards with gifts of cash to our family that my sister-in-law opened (immediately after the funeral). I was still in a state of shock and disbelief and oblivious to what was happening at that time so I have no idea as to who sent what or even how much. When I asked my sister-in-law she wouldn't give me a direct answer. She told me she gave the money to the church and then promptly flew back to her home in GA. Mom lived in IL and I'm in Texas. The point is that I want to thank people for their gifts and kindness, but I have no idea who those people are. As I said, I was still in shock so I'm not sure who was even at the funeral. What, if anything can I do about thanking people? - DG, Texas 

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

I have thought deeply about your question. I can suggest some wording for a note that would cover your situation as gracefully as possible, but without knowing to whom to send the notes, there doesn’t seem to be much you can do. You might ask anyone whom you can remember being at the funeral if they can tell you who else was there. Often there is a guest book at funerals, and perhaps you can locate that. You might be able to acquire a few names at least.

The fact that a year has passed means that most people won’t be expecting to hear from you anymore. I do think it’s still worth sending notes to as many people as you can, apologizing for the delay in writing to them, and explaining simply that your emotional state at the time was one of overwhelm. Most people will understand that and forgive you. Please do not place blame within these letters -- that can remain between you and God. 

Since you don’t know who sent cards or money and where the money really went, you might try some wording such as the following:

“Many kind friends offered condolences, support, and gifts when my mother passed, and I’d like to thank you for all you did for my family at that time.”

This is less good than being able to thank people for their specific gift, but at this remove of time, and given the circumstances, it is better than nothing.

Good luck, and perhaps steer clear of the sister-in-law in future.

Is it "sucking up" to say thank you?

"My husband and I were just treated to a weekend away by the owner of my husband's company. He paid for our hotel suites and gave us tickets to the suites at an OU football game. I'm curious about sending a thank you note. I don't want to seem like a suck up but I feel like appreciating is necessary." - A.M.

Aunt Dandelion replies:

The bottom line is, appreciating is ALWAYS necessary! To receive so much generosity from anyone, be it a friend or a boss, and not acknowledge it with a handwritten, mailed thank-you letter, would be the grossest breach of etiquette. Your host spent a lot of money treating you and your husband (suites all the way!). Both business and personal etiquette demand that you put your gratitude into words on (nice) paper.

Aunt Dandelion has never heard of common politeness being referred to as "sucking up" before. Please banish such concepts from your worldview and start writing that thank-you letter!

I'm late for a very important date

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Because of miscommunication I was over an hour late to a dinner. They did not eat until I got there, so my late arrival created a difficulty for the proceedings. Should I send a note of apology to the guests? -- P.V., Chester, SC

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

Lateness is a faux pas, but not so tragic as to require one to dwell upon it.

Assuming you apologized publicly upon your arrival, there is no need to send further apologies after the fact, particularly to the other guests.

If you feel the miscommunication was at least partly your fault, a nice gesture would be to send a pretty plant or other inexpensive gift to the host or hostess by way of a final mea culpa.

Whether or not you were at fault, you should write a thank-you note to the host for the dinner, and apologize for your tardiness one last time - but don't make it the primary focus of the note.

Thanking hosts when things have gone terribly wrong

The following is a humorous extract from Alexander McCall Smith's book A Conspiracy of Friends. Few authors today think through the principles involved in etiquette and ethics as thoroughly as McCall Smith. Aunt Dandelion recommends his books to you without reservation or pause.

William’s weekend with his friends Jeffrey and Maggie was turning out to be neither restful nor enjoyable. Things could have been worse, of course. There must be weekends during which the host’s house burns to the ground … one of the guests murders another … the hostess is arrested in extradition proceedings. Or the guests are all poisoned by the inclusion of death’s cap mushrooms in the stew.

Such weekends must be very difficult indeed, not least because of the wording of the thank-you letters one would have to write. The disaster – whatever it was – could hardly be ignored, but must be referred to tactfully in the letter, and always set in proper perspective. Thus in the case of mushroom poisoning, one would comment on how the other courses of the meal were delicious. In the case of the hostess’s arrest, one would say something comforting about the ability of defense lawyers in the jurisdiction to which she was being extradited. And so on. Mutatis mutandis, trying at all times to be as positive as possible.

When gift-giving goes wrong

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Please help me! My boyfriend’s mother is lovely and I appreciate how kind she is to me and I respect her. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and plan on remaining together for as long as we live, so it’s important to me to get along with his family in the long term. His mother and I are very different people but I always to try to find the similarities between us and be polite all the time.

But there is one thing she does which I don’t know how to respond to. She will buy me a gift and then say “you probably won’t like it.” So I will say “No, I like it a lot, thank you very much.” Then she will say “It’s a horrible colour and you probably want a fancier one.” So I will say “Honestly, it’s just what I was looking for, I really appreciate it!” Then she will say, “You can take it back if you want.” It goes on like that for a very long time; I’m not exaggerating.

She does it to everybody and since she’s in her sixties she is unlikely to change, so I just need to deal with it better. I just want her to be happy and it feels like I’m being argumentative if I contradict her and say it’s great when she says it’s awful. I know it sounds silly, but it’s very exhausting and happens not just at Christmas or Birthdays and but all through the year as she is very generous. Any advice would be appreciated, I’ve come to dread receiving gifts from her!

Sincerely, Miss Frustrated and Distraught

Aunt Dandelion answers:

What we have here is a case of a giver who is so emotionally insecure, her behavior borders on the passive-aggressive. When she gives gifts, she covers up her own general insecurity by denigrating the gift and then essentially challenging you to reject it. The issue is not the gift, it’s the giver.

Aunt Dandelion can well understand your appeal for an approach to handling the awkward, and frequent, gifting occasions. You have shown how sweet and kind you are by continually reassuring this lady that you love her gifts. You are not being impolite by disagreeing with her, in this case.

However, there is a technique you can use that is neither contradictory nor rude, and that is to help take the level of emotion down a notch during the exchange. Whatever the lady says, simply respond with a quiet and sincere, “Thank you.” Nothing more – just “thank you.” In this way, you are not joining the lady in her emotional morass, and your quiet, even response should take the wind out of her sails. After three or four quiet “thank you’s” she will probably stop denigrating the gift. As you are no longer responding to her fear and insecurity, she will find it hard to keep the conversation going in the same direction.

Try this and let me know if it works. Good luck!

Yes, Virginia, you do have to write thank-you letters

Dear Readers,

Aunt Dandelion expects you received some presents for Christmas or Hanukkah. No matter who gave them to you, and no matter how much you liked or disliked the gifts, a thank-you note is still obligatory.

Written thank-you’s are becoming more and more rare, which is a little odd considering the ease of communicating by so many means today. Here are some tips to help you express your appreciation to those who thought enough of you to give you a present.

Gifts that come in the mail

1. When you receive a gift in the mail, let the sender know at once that it has been safely received. This can be done with a quick email or phone call, and will give the sender much peace of mind.
2. As soon as you open the gift, or the day after the celebration for which it was intended, sit yourself down and write some personal words of appreciation for the gift. It doesn’t matter if you loved it or hated it. You are thanking the giver for the thought and effort behind the gift.

Gifts given in person

1. Immediately say “thank you!” and tell them that you can’t wait to open it on the big day.
2. If you are opening the gift in front of them, look delighted or at least interested in the gift. Ask a question to give the person a chance to tell the story of why they selected this for you. You can say something like, “How did you know I love white chocolate?” or “What an interesting accessory! How do you use it?”
3. Follow up on another day (very soon!) with a written thank-you. You can refer to the giver’s kindness or thoughtfulness in selecting that particular gift for you.

What to say when you get an unwanted gift

The answer is simple: you say “thank you.” A thank-you note is not a review of the gift. So even if you received the world’s ugliest sweater or an unwanted nose hair trimmer, never show any offense or make comments that crab the gift in any way.

Long or short notes?

A thank-you note can be quite short, as long as it is not curt. This is not enough: “Dear Cousin June, Thank you for the gift.”

Nor is this: “Hi Mom, I got the cash, thanks!”

Do invest at least a sentence or two in describing how much you like the gift, or how appreciative you are that they went to the trouble of giving you something.

Pen and paper, or electrons?

The handwritten note is now and always has been the gold standard in saying thank you. However, Aunt Dandelion feels that the intention and sincerity behind the note is of more importance than the medium. The key thing is to select a personal medium - i.e., a post on the giver's Facebook wall is neither correct nor sufficient.

If your handwriting is not very attractive, one option is to type a thank-you letter, set it in an attractive, readable font, and print it on nice stationery.

Sending an email is an acceptable alternative, but a thank-you email requires thought, and should pass the same test for formality of language and appearance as a hand-written note or letter.

E-cards are also acceptable, but be sure to write something substantial in the area provided for your personal message. The downside of e-cards is that they usually can’t be saved on the recipient’s hard drive, or printed out, so they have less permanence than other methods. Aunt Dandelion still prefers a gracious personal note for major gifts or favors rendered.

The medium you choose should be thoughtfully geared to the recipient’s preferences. Older people usually prefer paper-based correspondence.

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The French term for a thank-you letter is "lettre de château" - literally, a letter from the castle. Let your gratitude flow from a high place!

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Have more questions about holiday etiquette? Send your concern to ask@auntdandelion.com.

Do I have to send a Valentine to everyone who sent me one?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

I received a couple of Valentine's Day cards from people I wasn't expecting them from. Is the correct etiquette to send them a card back? -- George in Dallas, TX

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Valentine's Day is one of those celebrations that is generally limited to the actual day it falls on - February 14th. Unlike Christmas, for example, when you can send cards throughout the month of December, you really have to "hit" Valentine's Day on the nose.

All this means is that it may be impractical to try to send a Valentine's Day card or gift to someone after February 14th. In Aunt Dandelion's view, a phone call or email to say 'thank you for the lovely surprise' would be a wonderful way to acknowledge an unexpected greeting.

If you really like the sender, place a reminder on your calendar for next year so you can send them your love right on time.

Is a thank-you note obligatory after a party?

After attending a party, by invitation only, is it obligatory to send a handwritten note, or will an e-mail suffice? — Luisa in Austin, Texas

Aunt Dandelion answers:

Ah, Luisa, Aunt Dandelion wishes there were more like you in the world! So many people today do not even think that any kind of thanks is required after a party or dinner.

In every social situation there is a scale of formality, ranging from casual encounters to informal occasions to the most formal of events. To be in harmony, the guest’s response should match the occasion where it lies on the scale.

If you are fortunate enough to be invited to attend a formal dinner or celebration, a formal thank-you is required. Everyone who moves, or wishes to move, in this type of society, should have a stock of thank-you notes on hand. These can be plain, monogrammed, or tastefully decorated. A gracious, handwritten note is the required standard to thank the host and hostess of a formal party.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

My mother always told me it wasn’t necessary to send a thank you card for a greeting card you received. However, I think that if a person went through the trouble to pick out a card for you, address it, put postage on it, and mail it, you could send them a note saying you got it, it meant a lot, etc. But, then, do you get into an endless loop of card sending? — Michelle in Flower Mound, Texas

Aunt Dandelion answers:

Michelle, you have a choice here. While Aunt Dandelion does not feel that you must send a card or letter in response to a greeting card, every kind gesture deserves some token of acknowledgement and thanks.

In the case of a greeting card, a response lets the sender know that their card was delivered and received, which is the absolute minimum you owe them. Your response can be made by phone or email, or in person, the next time you see them (if the timing isn’t too distant). Of course you can also write to them, and this is the preferred method for persons who may not use email.

Saying thank you is a beautiful and necessary communication between people. It completes the circle of giving and receiving. This circle is opened by the person who thought enough of you to send or give you something, if only a card or a kind thought. The loop is not endless; thanking them closes the loop, as it is not necessary to thank someone for their thanks.