Don't allow latecomers to hold your party hostage

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My two sisters-in-law are always late for holiday dinners, etc. Not just minutes late -- most times they are nearly an hour late.

Recently I hosted a bridal shower luncheon for over 85 women to honor my future daughter-in-law. Both of my sisters-in-law were 30 minutes late in attending the luncheon. They were the last to arrive and we waited for them to arrive to serve lunch. This was in a restaurant and not in a private home!

The other day, a member of my future daughter-in-law's family hosted another bridal luncheon for 10 ladies. Again, my sisters-in-law were 45 minutes late -- and neither time did they apologize to me or the hostess for their tardiness. They didn't apologize to the bride either!

These were not surprise parties, they were invited guests with an invitation sent by mail to which they both had to RSVP. Both functions were in restaurants and not in private homes. They do not have any reason to be late.

We host almost of the holiday dinners each year because we love to do so. They are large gatherings of upwards of 20 adults and children. Since I have had 40 years of knowing they will always be late, I plan their tardiness into my dinner serving schedule.

Our son's wedding is very important to us. Neither my husband or I have said anything to either sister as we feel we will create a terrible situation before the wedding; however, this matter of tardiness needs to be addressed.

Any ideas on how to tactfully get the message across to the sisters in law that their tardiness is very rude? -- Jackie

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Dear Jackie,

The hostess's job is to create the best possible experience for the most people, not to cater to the few ill-mannered.

It is unlikely that you will succeed in changing the behavior of these ladies by informing them that they are being impolite, even though they are. What concerns me is that you are allowing their perpetual tardiness to mar the smooth running of your events, at the cost of the comfort and convenience of all the other guests. Serving luncheon late to 85 guests is unforgivable, not to mention the chaos it must have produced in the kitchen.

In future, do not delay any meal or activity for these Ugly Sisters by even a minute. Start on time, and let the latecomers join mid-meal or whenever they arrive. Once they have missed a few courses they may feel more motivated to change their behavior. Or they may not. But at least they will no longer have the power to hold your events hostage.

If you wish, you can gently inform them when you issue future invitations that you will start on time. Nothing more. Do not add insults or questions (such as, "Do you think you can make it on time for once?"). They will be forewarned, and must take the consequences of their decisions.

Best wishes,

Dandelion

Thanking hosts when things have gone terribly wrong

The following is a humorous extract from Alexander McCall Smith's book A Conspiracy of Friends. Few authors today think through the principles involved in etiquette and ethics as thoroughly as McCall Smith. Aunt Dandelion recommends his books to you without reservation or pause.

William’s weekend with his friends Jeffrey and Maggie was turning out to be neither restful nor enjoyable. Things could have been worse, of course. There must be weekends during which the host’s house burns to the ground … one of the guests murders another … the hostess is arrested in extradition proceedings. Or the guests are all poisoned by the inclusion of death’s cap mushrooms in the stew.

Such weekends must be very difficult indeed, not least because of the wording of the thank-you letters one would have to write. The disaster – whatever it was – could hardly be ignored, but must be referred to tactfully in the letter, and always set in proper perspective. Thus in the case of mushroom poisoning, one would comment on how the other courses of the meal were delicious. In the case of the hostess’s arrest, one would say something comforting about the ability of defense lawyers in the jurisdiction to which she was being extradited. And so on. Mutatis mutandis, trying at all times to be as positive as possible.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Help! I ride in a coworker’s car going to sales appointments, and the driver plays the radio on talk stations all day and loud!!! When I ask him to turn it down he will for a minute, and then it’s back up. I’m stuffing my ears with tissues like I do in loud movies! Plus his radio shows depress me. Isn’t this the pits? – Gwen in Dallas, Texas

Aunt Dandelion replies:

You have my sympathies. If only your coworker knew the rules of etiquette, you wouldn’t be in these pits.

Any time two or more people share a confined space – especially for an extended period of time, and most especially if they are not intimately related – great delicacy is required to maintain personal dignity and group harmony.

The number one rule is the Golden Rule – to be considerate of others. The driver may feel as though the car constitutes his personal space and therefore he can do what he likes. But this is not true when he has a passenger, especially one who is with him all day long. Both passenger and driver are bound by common courtesy to be respectful of each other’s needs and “space.”

Coworkers who share rides should not assume that everyone else wants to hear their entertainment choices on the radio. One should always ask if a particular program or type of music is acceptable before tuning it in. If it is not to the other person’s taste, but not entirely offensive, a compromise is the best solution, where each chooses a radio station or program genre (or blessed silence) in turns.

However, playing the radio too loudly is not a matter for compromise. Incessant loud sounds can cause physical and psychological distress, and you are well within your rights to ask the driver to turn it down to a comfortable decibel level. Tell him that you are very sensitive to sound levels, and say – respectfully – that you prefer it to be softer. Find a specific volume that is comfortable for you – for instance, 10 on the volume dial – and tell him that number.

Once he has complied with your request, you know you have been heard (over the din), and you can do him the courtesy of assuming that he knows, but sometimes forgets. The next time he turns it up to 30, say something like, “Can we please keep it at 10?” and simply reach over and turn it down. Continue to make your request, politely but firmly, as often as you need to. If you feel you need to escalate the request, you can let him know plainly that it hurts your ears at that level.

Keep your requests in “I” language (“I prefer it at 10”) rather than getting into the language of “You” (“You’re playing it too loud again!”), which tends to make people feel defensive.

One day, try bringing a CD of soothing music with you and ask him if you can play it. Select music that is generic – something instrumental – but not too soporific (you don’t want the driver to fall asleep!). This at least will give you an occasional break from talk radio.

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Remember, dear readers, sometimes we must inform others of our needs. A caring person will be glad to have the insight sooner rather than later.

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So Who Gets the Armrest?

Scott McCartney of the Wall Street Journal points up the fact that the rules of etiquette can be flexible - meaning that sometimes, there may not be one right answer to a tricky question.

Aunt Dandelion recommends this article.

Ethics and Etiquette for Bad Behavior, Boors and Stinky Food In Coach at 30,000 Feet

A tricky conversation

If someone has bad breath, do you tell them and how? – Cassandra in Denton, TX

Aunt Dandelion answers:

This is a delicate subject, since it involves a bodily function of another person. Should you tell? Ask yourself:

• How well do you know this person? Generally speaking, is not advisable to make any sort of intimate comment to someone whom you do not know well.
• Is the bad breath chronic? Everyone has bad breath days, or moments – after eating, when first arising, after a long day away from the toothbrush, and so on. If the problem is transitory, be forgiving. If needed, take a subtle step back from the person if you are in conversation.
• Do you have a stake in this person’s health or personal success? In other words … is it any of your business? Only approach them if the answer is Yes.

Now, if you have established that this is a chronic problem of someone you know very well and it matters to you in some way, how should you tell them?

• Gently, and politely. Bring it up in a private, relaxed moment. “There is something I have been wanting to tell you, but I was worried about offending you. But I am sure you would want to know and would do the same for me. It’s about your breath. I have noticed that …” (and then describe how often the problem occurs).
• Never, ever leave an anonymous note or tube of toothpaste for the sufferer to find. Sensitive people could feel crushed by the suggestion that they are offending others, and the anonymous notification may make it worse, leading to paranoia and the fear (probably a well-founded one) that everyone has been criticising them behind their back.

In relationships among peers, Aunt Dandelion also favors the old standby: “Would you like a mint?”