Don't allow latecomers to hold your party hostage

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My two sisters-in-law are always late for holiday dinners, etc. Not just minutes late -- most times they are nearly an hour late.

Recently I hosted a bridal shower luncheon for over 85 women to honor my future daughter-in-law. Both of my sisters-in-law were 30 minutes late in attending the luncheon. They were the last to arrive and we waited for them to arrive to serve lunch. This was in a restaurant and not in a private home!

The other day, a member of my future daughter-in-law's family hosted another bridal luncheon for 10 ladies. Again, my sisters-in-law were 45 minutes late -- and neither time did they apologize to me or the hostess for their tardiness. They didn't apologize to the bride either!

These were not surprise parties, they were invited guests with an invitation sent by mail to which they both had to RSVP. Both functions were in restaurants and not in private homes. They do not have any reason to be late.

We host almost of the holiday dinners each year because we love to do so. They are large gatherings of upwards of 20 adults and children. Since I have had 40 years of knowing they will always be late, I plan their tardiness into my dinner serving schedule.

Our son's wedding is very important to us. Neither my husband or I have said anything to either sister as we feel we will create a terrible situation before the wedding; however, this matter of tardiness needs to be addressed.

Any ideas on how to tactfully get the message across to the sisters in law that their tardiness is very rude? -- Jackie

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Dear Jackie,

The hostess's job is to create the best possible experience for the most people, not to cater to the few ill-mannered.

It is unlikely that you will succeed in changing the behavior of these ladies by informing them that they are being impolite, even though they are. What concerns me is that you are allowing their perpetual tardiness to mar the smooth running of your events, at the cost of the comfort and convenience of all the other guests. Serving luncheon late to 85 guests is unforgivable, not to mention the chaos it must have produced in the kitchen.

In future, do not delay any meal or activity for these Ugly Sisters by even a minute. Start on time, and let the latecomers join mid-meal or whenever they arrive. Once they have missed a few courses they may feel more motivated to change their behavior. Or they may not. But at least they will no longer have the power to hold your events hostage.

If you wish, you can gently inform them when you issue future invitations that you will start on time. Nothing more. Do not add insults or questions (such as, "Do you think you can make it on time for once?"). They will be forewarned, and must take the consequences of their decisions.

Best wishes,

Dandelion

I'm late for a very important date

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Because of miscommunication I was over an hour late to a dinner. They did not eat until I got there, so my late arrival created a difficulty for the proceedings. Should I send a note of apology to the guests? -- P.V., Chester, SC

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

Lateness is a faux pas, but not so tragic as to require one to dwell upon it.

Assuming you apologized publicly upon your arrival, there is no need to send further apologies after the fact, particularly to the other guests.

If you feel the miscommunication was at least partly your fault, a nice gesture would be to send a pretty plant or other inexpensive gift to the host or hostess by way of a final mea culpa.

Whether or not you were at fault, you should write a thank-you note to the host for the dinner, and apologize for your tardiness one last time - but don't make it the primary focus of the note.

Should she invite warring guests to her party?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My birthday is coming up and I'm hosting a small dinner party. I've invited eight of my friends, including my brother. Unfortunately my brother hates one of my good friends, and has told me that he won't come to my birthday if she is invited as well. I'm not quite sure why he dislikes her. He organizes camping trips, and I think that she complained to other people about one of his trips, how expensive it was, and that he was possibly making money off of it. Anyway, my brother says that if I invite her, I'm being disloyal to him. What do you think? Is he acting childish, or does he have a point? What if this was my wedding? I can't not invite people just because others may hate them. This is my birthday, don't I have the right to chose whom I invite? -- Confused Birthday Girl

Aunt Dandelion answers: 

Your brother sounds very childish indeed. If all your guests adopt gracious manners for the duration of the dinner, such a petty problem would be overlooked for the sake of a harmonious evening. Etiquette is a means of putting on a veneer of politeness and diplomacy in a social situation.

However, as hostess, it is your duty to compose your party of guests who you feel will be interesting to each other and will mesh well. Since you know in advance that your brother is not going to put aside his feelings, I suggest you leave him out of the dinner party to avoid unpleasantness and embarrassment for your other guests. Perhaps you can have a separate celebration at home for family only.

When to arrive at a formal dinner

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

What is the correct etiquette for when you should arrive at a dinner party if the invitation says to arrive at 7:30 pm (for example)? -- Lisa in Royal Tunbridge Wells, Kent UK

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Aunt Dandelion recalls the leisurely days when dinner invitations were issued in the form of “8:00 for 8:30” and the guests would arrive at 8:15 on the dot. Such niceties, however, are no longer in fashion in today’s busy world.

The modern hostess is unlikely to have a staff to cook and serve the meal. If guests are not punctual, the timing of the meal will be thrown off, leaving the host or hostess in a quandary. They may even get stuck in the kitchen rescuing a dish when they would rather be enjoying a pre-prandial drink with their guests.

The bottom line is, arrive on time or just a few minutes afterwards. If you will be more than ten minutes late, a phone call to alert the hostess is essential.

As with many points of etiquette, the best practice is the one that makes the evening most efficient and enjoyable for the most people.

Dead fish and houseguests

We have a very warm and close relationship with our college-age children and have always enjoyed hosting their friends in our home, making certain they feel comfortable, well-fed, and welcome.

Over this past year my son has brought his girlfriend home to visit several times for long weekends. Not once has she expressed to us a word of appreciation for the accommodations, interest in us or our home, curiosity about the community, or gratitude for the hospitality. When leaving she offers a simple, non-effusive “thanks” but, with the exception of one brief email, we have never even received a written note.

We love our son. And he may love her. But we are not eager to clean, shop, cook and host this young woman again. If he wants to bring her home for Thanksgiving or Christmas what do you suggest we tell him or do?

-- No More Sleeping in Seattle

Aunt Dandelion replies:

The old saying goes, “Dead fish and houseguests both start to stink in three days.” Aunt Dandelion can well understand why you don’t want this particular dead fish to flop around in your house any more.

You have three possible ways in which to address this problem.

First, speak to your son. Let him know that you do not appreciate his girlfriend’s apathy and rudeness (sins of omission in this case). You can honestly tell him that you would rather she did not stay with you any more unless she can put on her party manners. With luck, he will step up and help her see the light.

Second, if you do permit her to come again, give her household chores, as her frequent visits make her “almost part of the family.” Let your son and the girlfriend know that they will be in charge of making breakfasts or dinners, cleaning the kitchen after meals, tidying the bedrooms and vacuuming. This puts her on notice that she can no longer be a passive lay-about, but is expected to be an active participant in the household. Naturally, you will praise her cooking to the skies and thank her effusively for her efforts. Maybe she will take the hint.

Finally, ask her what excites her. Since she is presumably important to your son, take the time to probe her and try to meet her halfway. She may brighten up when you turn the focus onto her and join in the things she likes.

If these options fail, Aunt Dandelion recommends you ask your son to leave her behind on future trips. Explain that it is too much work for you to undertake for an unappreciative guest.