Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? - Book review

Aunt Dandelion writes:

The publishers of Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? A Modern Guide to Manners by Henry Alford sent me a copy of the book and requested that I review it. The subject is manners and why they matter, so it seemed appropriate to review in this column.

The first thing you have to understand about Henry Alford is that he has cast himself (no doubt wittingly) as the enfant terrible of etiquette. The book is peppered with mostly humorous turns of phrase, occasional crude language and outlandish metaphors that would make a maiden aunt blush. Aunt Dandelion is made of sterner stuff than that, but still I could not dismiss the overriding impression of a writer who has put on his hipster pants in order to write about etiquette using four-letter words.

There is a certain self-consciousness in the witticisms, a quality of "look how clever I am" now and again. This is a pitfall into which all comedians stumble; just as high-wire acrobats occasionally slip and fall into the net below. As the audience, we may well forgive a little wobble in those who dare to walk a tenuous line. However, we prefer not to see the performer fall during the show. We want him to practice hard enough ahead of time to put on a flawless act. Alford’s book might have been the better for the application of a more judicious editing hand. Some of the chapters seem a little disjointed, as when a stand-up comedian jumps from subject to subject to keep the audience laughing, while other chapters flow admirably and offer useful advice.

Keeping in mind the ironical nature of Alford’s approach, the book can be a fun read and imparts a fresh perspective on manners in our modern society. In chapter one, Alford recounts a visit to Japan, where he wished to learn some of the highly formalized rules of this culture. We discover, through him, some Japanese customs that are charming (such as the entire staff of a department store lining up to bow to the day’s first customers) and some that are more mysterious (such as a supermarket taboo against breaking a bunch of bananas in order to purchase a smaller quantity). In the final chapter Alford brings us full circle as he walks foreign visitors around New York City and exposes them to the customs of that city, so we can experience the oddness of a section of our own society as seen through the eyes of l'étranger. The particular New York customs Alford chooses to highlight are more quirks and not exactly manners in their generally accepted form, so here again we have the hipster at play.

But the point is made, and quite well researched and illustrated throughout the book, that manners tend to be situational, cultural, and peculiar to their time and place. Alford posits useful suggestions for a wide number of personal and social situations, and also delves into the deeper philosophical issues of why we have manners at all. He quotes Emily Post, Dante and Samuel Johnson, and interviews Miss Manners and Tim Gunn in his search for some universal principles of etiquette.

Alford makes wise distinctions among the concepts of manners, mores, etiquette and protocol. He also tries his own hand at giving advice in these matters to acquaintances as well as mentally answering queries posted in newspaper columns, with varying success. I applaud his attempts to dissect tricky social situations – including ones he created himself – and try to find the oil that etiquette can spread on those troubled waters. However, his answers are sometimes marred by slips back into the jejune, which is a reason why this should not be the only book on etiquette that a serious student owns.

Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? was worth reading and provided some good laughs, especially the story told on page 174 to the top of 176. Aunt Dandelion can definitely empathize with the author's frustration at conversationally inept party guests and agrees with his choice of using humor when deflecting the pompous.

Enter the realm of Henry Alford who dares. You may enjoy it – but remember, there be dragons. You have been warned.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Help! I ride in a coworker’s car going to sales appointments, and the driver plays the radio on talk stations all day and loud!!! When I ask him to turn it down he will for a minute, and then it’s back up. I’m stuffing my ears with tissues like I do in loud movies! Plus his radio shows depress me. Isn’t this the pits? – Gwen in Dallas, Texas

Aunt Dandelion replies:

You have my sympathies. If only your coworker knew the rules of etiquette, you wouldn’t be in these pits.

Any time two or more people share a confined space – especially for an extended period of time, and most especially if they are not intimately related – great delicacy is required to maintain personal dignity and group harmony.

The number one rule is the Golden Rule – to be considerate of others. The driver may feel as though the car constitutes his personal space and therefore he can do what he likes. But this is not true when he has a passenger, especially one who is with him all day long. Both passenger and driver are bound by common courtesy to be respectful of each other’s needs and “space.”

Coworkers who share rides should not assume that everyone else wants to hear their entertainment choices on the radio. One should always ask if a particular program or type of music is acceptable before tuning it in. If it is not to the other person’s taste, but not entirely offensive, a compromise is the best solution, where each chooses a radio station or program genre (or blessed silence) in turns.

However, playing the radio too loudly is not a matter for compromise. Incessant loud sounds can cause physical and psychological distress, and you are well within your rights to ask the driver to turn it down to a comfortable decibel level. Tell him that you are very sensitive to sound levels, and say – respectfully – that you prefer it to be softer. Find a specific volume that is comfortable for you – for instance, 10 on the volume dial – and tell him that number.

Once he has complied with your request, you know you have been heard (over the din), and you can do him the courtesy of assuming that he knows, but sometimes forgets. The next time he turns it up to 30, say something like, “Can we please keep it at 10?” and simply reach over and turn it down. Continue to make your request, politely but firmly, as often as you need to. If you feel you need to escalate the request, you can let him know plainly that it hurts your ears at that level.

Keep your requests in “I” language (“I prefer it at 10”) rather than getting into the language of “You” (“You’re playing it too loud again!”), which tends to make people feel defensive.

One day, try bringing a CD of soothing music with you and ask him if you can play it. Select music that is generic – something instrumental – but not too soporific (you don’t want the driver to fall asleep!). This at least will give you an occasional break from talk radio.

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Remember, dear readers, sometimes we must inform others of our needs. A caring person will be glad to have the insight sooner rather than later.

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So Who Gets the Armrest?

Scott McCartney of the Wall Street Journal points up the fact that the rules of etiquette can be flexible - meaning that sometimes, there may not be one right answer to a tricky question.

Aunt Dandelion recommends this article.

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