Is it "sucking up" to say thank you?

"My husband and I were just treated to a weekend away by the owner of my husband's company. He paid for our hotel suites and gave us tickets to the suites at an OU football game. I'm curious about sending a thank you note. I don't want to seem like a suck up but I feel like appreciating is necessary." - A.M.

Aunt Dandelion replies:

The bottom line is, appreciating is ALWAYS necessary! To receive so much generosity from anyone, be it a friend or a boss, and not acknowledge it with a handwritten, mailed thank-you letter, would be the grossest breach of etiquette. Your host spent a lot of money treating you and your husband (suites all the way!). Both business and personal etiquette demand that you put your gratitude into words on (nice) paper.

Aunt Dandelion has never heard of common politeness being referred to as "sucking up" before. Please banish such concepts from your worldview and start writing that thank-you letter!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Help! I ride in a coworker’s car going to sales appointments, and the driver plays the radio on talk stations all day and loud!!! When I ask him to turn it down he will for a minute, and then it’s back up. I’m stuffing my ears with tissues like I do in loud movies! Plus his radio shows depress me. Isn’t this the pits? – Gwen in Dallas, Texas

Aunt Dandelion replies:

You have my sympathies. If only your coworker knew the rules of etiquette, you wouldn’t be in these pits.

Any time two or more people share a confined space – especially for an extended period of time, and most especially if they are not intimately related – great delicacy is required to maintain personal dignity and group harmony.

The number one rule is the Golden Rule – to be considerate of others. The driver may feel as though the car constitutes his personal space and therefore he can do what he likes. But this is not true when he has a passenger, especially one who is with him all day long. Both passenger and driver are bound by common courtesy to be respectful of each other’s needs and “space.”

Coworkers who share rides should not assume that everyone else wants to hear their entertainment choices on the radio. One should always ask if a particular program or type of music is acceptable before tuning it in. If it is not to the other person’s taste, but not entirely offensive, a compromise is the best solution, where each chooses a radio station or program genre (or blessed silence) in turns.

However, playing the radio too loudly is not a matter for compromise. Incessant loud sounds can cause physical and psychological distress, and you are well within your rights to ask the driver to turn it down to a comfortable decibel level. Tell him that you are very sensitive to sound levels, and say – respectfully – that you prefer it to be softer. Find a specific volume that is comfortable for you – for instance, 10 on the volume dial – and tell him that number.

Once he has complied with your request, you know you have been heard (over the din), and you can do him the courtesy of assuming that he knows, but sometimes forgets. The next time he turns it up to 30, say something like, “Can we please keep it at 10?” and simply reach over and turn it down. Continue to make your request, politely but firmly, as often as you need to. If you feel you need to escalate the request, you can let him know plainly that it hurts your ears at that level.

Keep your requests in “I” language (“I prefer it at 10”) rather than getting into the language of “You” (“You’re playing it too loud again!”), which tends to make people feel defensive.

One day, try bringing a CD of soothing music with you and ask him if you can play it. Select music that is generic – something instrumental – but not too soporific (you don’t want the driver to fall asleep!). This at least will give you an occasional break from talk radio.

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Remember, dear readers, sometimes we must inform others of our needs. A caring person will be glad to have the insight sooner rather than later.

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So Who Gets the Armrest?

Scott McCartney of the Wall Street Journal points up the fact that the rules of etiquette can be flexible - meaning that sometimes, there may not be one right answer to a tricky question.

Aunt Dandelion recommends this article.

Ethics and Etiquette for Bad Behavior, Boors and Stinky Food In Coach at 30,000 Feet

Email salutations and closings

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

What is the correct salutation and ending when sending an email? – Steve in Tunbridge, Kent, UK

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Steve, this is a short question with a long answer, which begins with, “It depends on how the email is being used.”

Email as a letter
When an email is acting as a letter, the rules for written correspondence apply.

• For emails to friends, open with Dear (First Name), and close in the style appropriate to your relationship with the recipient: Love, Hugs and kisses, Regards, etc.
• When sending an email as formal business correspondence, the salutation and closing rules are identical to the written form. Open with Dear (First Name) or Dear (Title and Last Name) and close with Regards, Sincerely, Respectfully yours, etc.

Email as a memo

When an email is acting as a memo, as often happens in business, it will be sent to many recipients or groups. In that case there is no salutation, but a line can be added to the body which specifies the intended readership. Examples: “To All Employees,” or “To the Management Team,” etc. The email memo should be signed (in type) by the official author, such as an executive or a department head, with their title below the signature.

Email as a note 

In practice, emails whiz back and forth between friends and business colleagues all day and night. The collaborative or chatty email stream tends to get more informal as the conversation lengthens. Ultimately many of these types of emails have – and need – no greeting or even signature. The email header clearly specifies who is sending and receiving the note in the From, To, and cc: lines, so there should be no confusion.

Signature lines
A special note about signature lines or blocks – those text or graphical appendages below an email. These are an excellent idea in business and for job applicants. They should include the sender’s full name, title, company, and contact information. However, a signature line is not a signature – remember to use the proper closing to a formal business email above the automatic signature line.

Giving friends the business

I have an old acquaintance with whom I attended university. I am planning a wedding and was in the market for a coordinator. She works for a planning company in the area, and so I called them. As it turns out, their rates are not nearly within my budget and I will probably choose another company. How do I politely decline services without making for an awkward run-in in the future? – MK

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Shakespeare said, “Neither a borrow nor a lender be.” His meaning was that once you come under obligation to a friend, or allow them to be obliged to you, the financial interest will trump the friendship. Aunt Dandelion cautions that trading with a friend in business can create a similar situation.

There is nothing wrong with asking a friend to provide a quote for a service if you are confident in the quality of their company. However, business is business and friendship is friendship. You must make purchasing decisions based on rational grounds such as your budget. If your friend who does wedding coordination understands business, you should not have any difficulty in thanking her for the quote and informing her that the proposal did not meet your needs.

Be careful not to ask friends for business proposals with the expectation that they will give you a favorable price. This can create resentment in the relationship, and, as Shakespeare predicts, you could end up losing a friend for a very silly reason.

Using bcc: in office emails

Is it ever appropriate to use the bcc email function for internal office emails? — Mike in Flower Mound, Texas

Aunt Dandelion answers:

Mike, use of the blind copy (bcc) function can be very important. When general information or a request for help is sent to a large list of employees, many people use “reply all” to shoot back a comment or provide a resource. This results in mass emails that clog inboxes and provide an unwelcome distraction for the bulk of the recipients. In cases like this, the general list should be placed in the bcc: field to obviate the problem. The sender can start their email with a line such as “Message to all employees,” or “Request for research by the Strategy Team” so the recipients know why they received it.

Other than this scenario, using the bcc: field would mean you are trying to inform someone of an ongoing issue without the other recipients knowing that person has been copied. This is sneaky and borders on dishonesty. Take your problem to the proper authority in private.