Thank You Notes Dilemma

My mom passed away a year ago. My dad, sister and half brother died many years ago. So Mom was all I had left. My half-brother was the son of my dad's first wife and I didn't know he even existed until I was a teen (I am 65 now). I mention this because my "sister-in-law" is the reason I am contacting you. There were many cards with gifts of cash to our family that my sister-in-law opened (immediately after the funeral). I was still in a state of shock and disbelief and oblivious to what was happening at that time so I have no idea as to who sent what or even how much. When I asked my sister-in-law she wouldn't give me a direct answer. She told me she gave the money to the church and then promptly flew back to her home in GA. Mom lived in IL and I'm in Texas. The point is that I want to thank people for their gifts and kindness, but I have no idea who those people are. As I said, I was still in shock so I'm not sure who was even at the funeral. What, if anything can I do about thanking people? - DG, Texas 

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

I have thought deeply about your question. I can suggest some wording for a note that would cover your situation as gracefully as possible, but without knowing to whom to send the notes, there doesn’t seem to be much you can do. You might ask anyone whom you can remember being at the funeral if they can tell you who else was there. Often there is a guest book at funerals, and perhaps you can locate that. You might be able to acquire a few names at least.

The fact that a year has passed means that most people won’t be expecting to hear from you anymore. I do think it’s still worth sending notes to as many people as you can, apologizing for the delay in writing to them, and explaining simply that your emotional state at the time was one of overwhelm. Most people will understand that and forgive you. Please do not place blame within these letters -- that can remain between you and God. 

Since you don’t know who sent cards or money and where the money really went, you might try some wording such as the following:

“Many kind friends offered condolences, support, and gifts when my mother passed, and I’d like to thank you for all you did for my family at that time.”

This is less good than being able to thank people for their specific gift, but at this remove of time, and given the circumstances, it is better than nothing.

Good luck, and perhaps steer clear of the sister-in-law in future.

When is a friend not a friend?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

The world of online social media is in a constant state of flux. With that comes confusing new versions of old problems. My question is about Facebook unfriending. I have only unfriended two people since joining Facebook several years ago. One because someone was causing loud dissension and publicly defaming someone's character in an unfair manner. Another was to set up a boundary against someone's creepy behavior. I was recently defriended by two good friends – a couple – with no warning.

I recognize my fault in not communicating with them regularly for the past few years. Yet communication is a two-way street. I am, frankly, bewildered at their sudden bridge burning, with no explanation. From what I can tell, it was not accidental, as their accounts are still active and we have still have mutual friends. Would it be best to respect that boundary and not inquire from them their reasoning? Or, would it be better to let it go, leaving the "porch light on"? I see no point in asking mutual friends, as it is unfair to put them in the middle.

Thank you,
Bewildered

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Dear Bewildered,

There are many reasons why people both add and delete friends from Facebook. Aunt Dandelion does not believe it has as much to do with etiquette as many seem to think. What trips us up here is the term “friends,” which Facebook applies equally to all connections, from spouses and siblings to casual acquaintances and ex-coworkers. People are not terribly upset when contacts drop them on other social networks, such as LinkedIn and Twitter. Why? Because there is no expectation of a personal friendship in the notion of “connections” or “followers.”

Nor should there be on Facebook. Many Facebook “friends” are really just acquaintances whom, in a frenzy of fellow feeling, one added to one’s cadre of Facebook friends without first establishing a genuine friendship. Sometimes these “friends” work out, and sometimes the tenor of their very first post triggers a form of buyer’s remorse.

Unlike you, many people periodically rationalize their Facebook friends list in order to focus on a select group that interacts with them regularly or shares more of their interests. Some people just decide Facebook isn’t really worth their time and trim their lists down to family and close personal friends. They do not always think to send a personal note before a purge, explaining the whys and wherefores to the soon-to-be-deleted friends. Asking someone why they unfriended you is like asking why you weren't invited to their party. Awkward. And not good manners.

In your own case, you mention that you had not communicated with this couple regularly for years. A lot of people, even real friends, might infer that you didn’t value your connection with them on Facebook. Do not take their unfriending as a sinister act. You mentioned “burning bridges” – if Facebook was your only bridge to them, how close were you, really? While it is always possible that one or two of your posts might have offended them, causing them to defriend you, isn’t it more likely they just decided to shift their relationship with you back to the real world?

If you want to continue your friendship with this couple, give them a call and invite them over, or send them a friendly e-card, or make a point of holding a pleasant conversation with them next time you see them at church or the grocery store. Don’t mention Facebook. You might even enjoy their friendship more when you revert to more personal forms of social interaction.Sometimes, the old ways are still best.

Don't allow latecomers to hold your party hostage

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My two sisters-in-law are always late for holiday dinners, etc. Not just minutes late -- most times they are nearly an hour late.

Recently I hosted a bridal shower luncheon for over 85 women to honor my future daughter-in-law. Both of my sisters-in-law were 30 minutes late in attending the luncheon. They were the last to arrive and we waited for them to arrive to serve lunch. This was in a restaurant and not in a private home!

The other day, a member of my future daughter-in-law's family hosted another bridal luncheon for 10 ladies. Again, my sisters-in-law were 45 minutes late -- and neither time did they apologize to me or the hostess for their tardiness. They didn't apologize to the bride either!

These were not surprise parties, they were invited guests with an invitation sent by mail to which they both had to RSVP. Both functions were in restaurants and not in private homes. They do not have any reason to be late.

We host almost of the holiday dinners each year because we love to do so. They are large gatherings of upwards of 20 adults and children. Since I have had 40 years of knowing they will always be late, I plan their tardiness into my dinner serving schedule.

Our son's wedding is very important to us. Neither my husband or I have said anything to either sister as we feel we will create a terrible situation before the wedding; however, this matter of tardiness needs to be addressed.

Any ideas on how to tactfully get the message across to the sisters in law that their tardiness is very rude? -- Jackie

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Dear Jackie,

The hostess's job is to create the best possible experience for the most people, not to cater to the few ill-mannered.

It is unlikely that you will succeed in changing the behavior of these ladies by informing them that they are being impolite, even though they are. What concerns me is that you are allowing their perpetual tardiness to mar the smooth running of your events, at the cost of the comfort and convenience of all the other guests. Serving luncheon late to 85 guests is unforgivable, not to mention the chaos it must have produced in the kitchen.

In future, do not delay any meal or activity for these Ugly Sisters by even a minute. Start on time, and let the latecomers join mid-meal or whenever they arrive. Once they have missed a few courses they may feel more motivated to change their behavior. Or they may not. But at least they will no longer have the power to hold your events hostage.

If you wish, you can gently inform them when you issue future invitations that you will start on time. Nothing more. Do not add insults or questions (such as, "Do you think you can make it on time for once?"). They will be forewarned, and must take the consequences of their decisions.

Best wishes,

Dandelion

I'm late for a very important date

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Because of miscommunication I was over an hour late to a dinner. They did not eat until I got there, so my late arrival created a difficulty for the proceedings. Should I send a note of apology to the guests? -- P.V., Chester, SC

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

Lateness is a faux pas, but not so tragic as to require one to dwell upon it.

Assuming you apologized publicly upon your arrival, there is no need to send further apologies after the fact, particularly to the other guests.

If you feel the miscommunication was at least partly your fault, a nice gesture would be to send a pretty plant or other inexpensive gift to the host or hostess by way of a final mea culpa.

Whether or not you were at fault, you should write a thank-you note to the host for the dinner, and apologize for your tardiness one last time - but don't make it the primary focus of the note.

Thanking hosts when things have gone terribly wrong

The following is a humorous extract from Alexander McCall Smith's book A Conspiracy of Friends. Few authors today think through the principles involved in etiquette and ethics as thoroughly as McCall Smith. Aunt Dandelion recommends his books to you without reservation or pause.

William’s weekend with his friends Jeffrey and Maggie was turning out to be neither restful nor enjoyable. Things could have been worse, of course. There must be weekends during which the host’s house burns to the ground … one of the guests murders another … the hostess is arrested in extradition proceedings. Or the guests are all poisoned by the inclusion of death’s cap mushrooms in the stew.

Such weekends must be very difficult indeed, not least because of the wording of the thank-you letters one would have to write. The disaster – whatever it was – could hardly be ignored, but must be referred to tactfully in the letter, and always set in proper perspective. Thus in the case of mushroom poisoning, one would comment on how the other courses of the meal were delicious. In the case of the hostess’s arrest, one would say something comforting about the ability of defense lawyers in the jurisdiction to which she was being extradited. And so on. Mutatis mutandis, trying at all times to be as positive as possible.