Yes, Virginia, you do have to write thank-you letters

Dear Readers,

Aunt Dandelion expects you received some presents for Christmas or Hanukkah. No matter who gave them to you, and no matter how much you liked or disliked the gifts, a thank-you note is still obligatory.

Written thank-you’s are becoming more and more rare, which is a little odd considering the ease of communicating by so many means today. Here are some tips to help you express your appreciation to those who thought enough of you to give you a present.

Gifts that come in the mail

1. When you receive a gift in the mail, let the sender know at once that it has been safely received. This can be done with a quick email or phone call, and will give the sender much peace of mind.
2. As soon as you open the gift, or the day after the celebration for which it was intended, sit yourself down and write some personal words of appreciation for the gift. It doesn’t matter if you loved it or hated it. You are thanking the giver for the thought and effort behind the gift.

Gifts given in person

1. Immediately say “thank you!” and tell them that you can’t wait to open it on the big day.
2. If you are opening the gift in front of them, look delighted or at least interested in the gift. Ask a question to give the person a chance to tell the story of why they selected this for you. You can say something like, “How did you know I love white chocolate?” or “What an interesting accessory! How do you use it?”
3. Follow up on another day (very soon!) with a written thank-you. You can refer to the giver’s kindness or thoughtfulness in selecting that particular gift for you.

What to say when you get an unwanted gift

The answer is simple: you say “thank you.” A thank-you note is not a review of the gift. So even if you received the world’s ugliest sweater or an unwanted nose hair trimmer, never show any offense or make comments that crab the gift in any way.

Long or short notes?

A thank-you note can be quite short, as long as it is not curt. This is not enough: “Dear Cousin June, Thank you for the gift.”

Nor is this: “Hi Mom, I got your presents, thanks!”

Do invest at least a sentence or two in describing how much you like the gift, or how appreciative you are that they went to the trouble of giving you something.

Pen and paper, or electrons?

The handwritten note is now and always has been the gold standard in saying thank you. However, Aunt Dandelion feels that the intention and sincerity behind the note is of more importance than the medium. The key thing is to select a personal medium - i.e., a post on the giver's Facebook wall is neither correct nor sufficient.

If your handwriting is not very attractive, one option is to type a thank-you letter, set it in an attractive, readable font, and print it on nice stationery.

Sending an email is an acceptable alternative, but a thank-you email requires thought, and should pass the same test for formality of language and appearance as a hand-written note or letter.

E-cards are also acceptable, but be sure to write something substantial in the area provided for your personal message. The downside of e-cards is that they usually can’t be saved on the recipient’s hard drive, or printed out, so they have less permanence than other methods.

The medium you choose should be thoughtfully geared to the recipient’s preferences. Older people usually prefer paper-based correspondence.

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The French term for a thank-you letter is "lettre de château" - literally, a letter from the castle. Let your gratitude flow from a high place!

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Have more questions about holiday etiquette? Send your concern to ask@auntdandelion.com.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Help! I ride in a coworker’s car going to sales appointments, and the driver plays the radio on talk stations all day and loud!!! When I ask him to turn it down he will for a minute, and then it’s back up. I’m stuffing my ears with tissues like I do in loud movies! Plus his radio shows depress me. Isn’t this the pits? – Gwen in Dallas, Texas

Aunt Dandelion replies:

You have my sympathies. If only your coworker knew the rules of etiquette, you wouldn’t be in these pits.

Any time two or more people share a confined space – especially for an extended period of time, and most especially if they are not intimately related – great delicacy is required to maintain personal dignity and group harmony.

The number one rule is the Golden Rule – to be considerate of others. The driver may feel as though the car constitutes his personal space and therefore he can do what he likes. But this is not true when he has a passenger, especially one who is with him all day long. Both passenger and driver are bound by common courtesy to be respectful of each other’s needs and “space.”

Coworkers who share rides should not assume that everyone else wants to hear their entertainment choices on the radio. One should always ask if a particular program or type of music is acceptable before tuning it in. If it is not to the other person’s taste, but not entirely offensive, a compromise is the best solution, where each chooses a radio station or program genre (or blessed silence) in turns.

However, playing the radio too loudly is not a matter for compromise. Incessant loud sounds can cause physical and psychological distress, and you are well within your rights to ask the driver to turn it down to a comfortable decibel level. Tell him that you are very sensitive to sound levels, and say – respectfully – that you prefer it to be softer. Find a specific volume that is comfortable for you – for instance, 10 on the volume dial – and tell him that number.

Once he has complied with your request, you know you have been heard (over the din), and you can do him the courtesy of assuming that he knows, but sometimes forgets. The next time he turns it up to 30, say something like, “Can we please keep it at 10?” and simply reach over and turn it down. Continue to make your request, politely but firmly, as often as you need to. If you feel you need to escalate the request, you can let him know plainly that it hurts your ears at that level.

Keep your requests in “I” language (“I prefer it at 10”) rather than getting into the language of “You” (“You’re playing it too loud again!”), which tends to make people feel defensive.

One day, try bringing a CD of soothing music with you and ask him if you can play it. Select music that is generic – something instrumental – but not too soporific (you don’t want the driver to fall asleep!). This at least will give you an occasional break from talk radio.

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Remember, dear readers, sometimes we must inform others of our needs. A caring person will be glad to have the insight sooner rather than later.

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Funeral Etiquette

A tip of the chapeau to Legacy Connect for this sensitive article on etiquette at funerals and memorial services.

Aunt Dandelion suggests you read it now, so you are prepared when the sad time comes.

http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/funeral-memorial-etiquette