Thank You Notes Dilemma

My mom passed away a year ago. My dad, sister and half brother died many years ago. So Mom was all I had left. My half-brother was the son of my dad's first wife and I didn't know he even existed until I was a teen (I am 65 now). I mention this because my "sister-in-law" is the reason I am contacting you. There were many cards with gifts of cash to our family that my sister-in-law opened (immediately after the funeral). I was still in a state of shock and disbelief and oblivious to what was happening at that time so I have no idea as to who sent what or even how much. When I asked my sister-in-law she wouldn't give me a direct answer. She told me she gave the money to the church and then promptly flew back to her home in GA. Mom lived in IL and I'm in Texas. The point is that I want to thank people for their gifts and kindness, but I have no idea who those people are. As I said, I was still in shock so I'm not sure who was even at the funeral. What, if anything can I do about thanking people? - DG, Texas 

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

I have thought deeply about your question. I can suggest some wording for a note that would cover your situation as gracefully as possible, but without knowing to whom to send the notes, there doesn’t seem to be much you can do. You might ask anyone whom you can remember being at the funeral if they can tell you who else was there. Often there is a guest book at funerals, and perhaps you can locate that. You might be able to acquire a few names at least.

The fact that a year has passed means that most people won’t be expecting to hear from you anymore. I do think it’s still worth sending notes to as many people as you can, apologizing for the delay in writing to them, and explaining simply that your emotional state at the time was one of overwhelm. Most people will understand that and forgive you. Please do not place blame within these letters -- that can remain between you and God. 

Since you don’t know who sent cards or money and where the money really went, you might try some wording such as the following:

“Many kind friends offered condolences, support, and gifts when my mother passed, and I’d like to thank you for all you did for my family at that time.”

This is less good than being able to thank people for their specific gift, but at this remove of time, and given the circumstances, it is better than nothing.

Good luck, and perhaps steer clear of the sister-in-law in future.

Is it "sucking up" to say thank you?

"My husband and I were just treated to a weekend away by the owner of my husband's company. He paid for our hotel suites and gave us tickets to the suites at an OU football game. I'm curious about sending a thank you note. I don't want to seem like a suck up but I feel like appreciating is necessary." - A.M.

Aunt Dandelion replies:

The bottom line is, appreciating is ALWAYS necessary! To receive so much generosity from anyone, be it a friend or a boss, and not acknowledge it with a handwritten, mailed thank-you letter, would be the grossest breach of etiquette. Your host spent a lot of money treating you and your husband (suites all the way!). Both business and personal etiquette demand that you put your gratitude into words on (nice) paper.

Aunt Dandelion has never heard of common politeness being referred to as "sucking up" before. Please banish such concepts from your worldview and start writing that thank-you letter!

When gift-giving goes wrong

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Please help me! My boyfriend’s mother is lovely and I appreciate how kind she is to me and I respect her. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and plan on remaining together for as long as we live, so it’s important to me to get along with his family in the long term. His mother and I are very different people but I always to try to find the similarities between us and be polite all the time.

But there is one thing she does which I don’t know how to respond to. She will buy me a gift and then say “you probably won’t like it.” So I will say “No, I like it a lot, thank you very much.” Then she will say “It’s a horrible colour and you probably want a fancier one.” So I will say “Honestly, it’s just what I was looking for, I really appreciate it!” Then she will say, “You can take it back if you want.” It goes on like that for a very long time; I’m not exaggerating.

She does it to everybody and since she’s in her sixties she is unlikely to change, so I just need to deal with it better. I just want her to be happy and it feels like I’m being argumentative if I contradict her and say it’s great when she says it’s awful. I know it sounds silly, but it’s very exhausting and happens not just at Christmas or Birthdays and but all through the year as she is very generous. Any advice would be appreciated, I’ve come to dread receiving gifts from her!

Sincerely, Miss Frustrated and Distraught

Aunt Dandelion answers:

What we have here is a case of a giver who is so emotionally insecure, her behavior borders on the passive-aggressive. When she gives gifts, she covers up her own general insecurity by denigrating the gift and then essentially challenging you to reject it. The issue is not the gift, it’s the giver.

Aunt Dandelion can well understand your appeal for an approach to handling the awkward, and frequent, gifting occasions. You have shown how sweet and kind you are by continually reassuring this lady that you love her gifts. You are not being impolite by disagreeing with her, in this case.

However, there is a technique you can use that is neither contradictory nor rude, and that is to help take the level of emotion down a notch during the exchange. Whatever the lady says, simply respond with a quiet and sincere, “Thank you.” Nothing more – just “thank you.” In this way, you are not joining the lady in her emotional morass, and your quiet, even response should take the wind out of her sails. After three or four quiet “thank you’s” she will probably stop denigrating the gift. As you are no longer responding to her fear and insecurity, she will find it hard to keep the conversation going in the same direction.

Try this and let me know if it works. Good luck!

Yes, Virginia, you do have to write thank-you letters

Dear Readers,

Aunt Dandelion expects you received some presents for Christmas or Hanukkah. No matter who gave them to you, and no matter how much you liked or disliked the gifts, a thank-you note is still obligatory.

Written thank-you’s are becoming more and more rare, which is a little odd considering the ease of communicating by so many means today. Here are some tips to help you express your appreciation to those who thought enough of you to give you a present.

Gifts that come in the mail

1. When you receive a gift in the mail, let the sender know at once that it has been safely received. This can be done with a quick email or phone call, and will give the sender much peace of mind.
2. As soon as you open the gift, or the day after the celebration for which it was intended, sit yourself down and write some personal words of appreciation for the gift. It doesn’t matter if you loved it or hated it. You are thanking the giver for the thought and effort behind the gift.

Gifts given in person

1. Immediately say “thank you!” and tell them that you can’t wait to open it on the big day.
2. If you are opening the gift in front of them, look delighted or at least interested in the gift. Ask a question to give the person a chance to tell the story of why they selected this for you. You can say something like, “How did you know I love white chocolate?” or “What an interesting accessory! How do you use it?”
3. Follow up on another day (very soon!) with a written thank-you. You can refer to the giver’s kindness or thoughtfulness in selecting that particular gift for you.

What to say when you get an unwanted gift

The answer is simple: you say “thank you.” A thank-you note is not a review of the gift. So even if you received the world’s ugliest sweater or an unwanted nose hair trimmer, never show any offense or make comments that crab the gift in any way.

Long or short notes?

A thank-you note can be quite short, as long as it is not curt. This is not enough: “Dear Cousin June, Thank you for the gift.”

Nor is this: “Hi Mom, I got the cash, thanks!”

Do invest at least a sentence or two in describing how much you like the gift, or how appreciative you are that they went to the trouble of giving you something.

Pen and paper, or electrons?

The handwritten note is now and always has been the gold standard in saying thank you. However, Aunt Dandelion feels that the intention and sincerity behind the note is of more importance than the medium. The key thing is to select a personal medium - i.e., a post on the giver's Facebook wall is neither correct nor sufficient.

If your handwriting is not very attractive, one option is to type a thank-you letter, set it in an attractive, readable font, and print it on nice stationery.

Sending an email is an acceptable alternative, but a thank-you email requires thought, and should pass the same test for formality of language and appearance as a hand-written note or letter.

E-cards are also acceptable, but be sure to write something substantial in the area provided for your personal message. The downside of e-cards is that they usually can’t be saved on the recipient’s hard drive, or printed out, so they have less permanence than other methods. Aunt Dandelion still prefers a gracious personal note for major gifts or favors rendered.

The medium you choose should be thoughtfully geared to the recipient’s preferences. Older people usually prefer paper-based correspondence.

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The French term for a thank-you letter is "lettre de château" - literally, a letter from the castle. Let your gratitude flow from a high place!

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Have more questions about holiday etiquette? Send your concern to ask@auntdandelion.com.

Bridal shower gift AND a wedding gift?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

I've been invited to a Bridal Shower and invited to purchase from the couple's registry at Target. I'm wondering if I am invited to the actual wedding whether I'll be buying another gift? So my question is really this, do you buy both a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding? -- Joe in Gainesville, TX

Aunt Dandelion replies:

You're in luck! If they have requested a gift from their wedding registry, you may present it at the bridal shower and be fully covered for the entire wedding.

Here is a helpful tip: Be sure to tastefully mark your gift on the inside as well as on the outside wrapping, so the bride can remember whom to thank should the cards become lost or mixed up.