Don't allow latecomers to hold your party hostage

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My two sisters-in-law are always late for holiday dinners, etc. Not just minutes late -- most times they are nearly an hour late.

Recently I hosted a bridal shower luncheon for over 85 women to honor my future daughter-in-law. Both of my sisters-in-law were 30 minutes late in attending the luncheon. They were the last to arrive and we waited for them to arrive to serve lunch. This was in a restaurant and not in a private home!

The other day, a member of my future daughter-in-law's family hosted another bridal luncheon for 10 ladies. Again, my sisters-in-law were 45 minutes late -- and neither time did they apologize to me or the hostess for their tardiness. They didn't apologize to the bride either!

These were not surprise parties, they were invited guests with an invitation sent by mail to which they both had to RSVP. Both functions were in restaurants and not in private homes. They do not have any reason to be late.

We host almost of the holiday dinners each year because we love to do so. They are large gatherings of upwards of 20 adults and children. Since I have had 40 years of knowing they will always be late, I plan their tardiness into my dinner serving schedule.

Our son's wedding is very important to us. Neither my husband or I have said anything to either sister as we feel we will create a terrible situation before the wedding; however, this matter of tardiness needs to be addressed.

Any ideas on how to tactfully get the message across to the sisters in law that their tardiness is very rude? -- Jackie

Aunt Dandelion replies:

Dear Jackie,

The hostess's job is to create the best possible experience for the most people, not to cater to the few ill-mannered.

It is unlikely that you will succeed in changing the behavior of these ladies by informing them that they are being impolite, even though they are. What concerns me is that you are allowing their perpetual tardiness to mar the smooth running of your events, at the cost of the comfort and convenience of all the other guests. Serving luncheon late to 85 guests is unforgivable, not to mention the chaos it must have produced in the kitchen.

In future, do not delay any meal or activity for these Ugly Sisters by even a minute. Start on time, and let the latecomers join mid-meal or whenever they arrive. Once they have missed a few courses they may feel more motivated to change their behavior. Or they may not. But at least they will no longer have the power to hold your events hostage.

If you wish, you can gently inform them when you issue future invitations that you will start on time. Nothing more. Do not add insults or questions (such as, "Do you think you can make it on time for once?"). They will be forewarned, and must take the consequences of their decisions.

Best wishes,

Dandelion

I'm late for a very important date

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

Because of miscommunication I was over an hour late to a dinner. They did not eat until I got there, so my late arrival created a difficulty for the proceedings. Should I send a note of apology to the guests? -- P.V., Chester, SC

Aunt Dandelion replies: 

Lateness is a faux pas, but not so tragic as to require one to dwell upon it.

Assuming you apologized publicly upon your arrival, there is no need to send further apologies after the fact, particularly to the other guests.

If you feel the miscommunication was at least partly your fault, a nice gesture would be to send a pretty plant or other inexpensive gift to the host or hostess by way of a final mea culpa.

Whether or not you were at fault, you should write a thank-you note to the host for the dinner, and apologize for your tardiness one last time - but don't make it the primary focus of the note.

Should she invite warring guests to her party?

Dear Aunt Dandelion,

My birthday is coming up and I'm hosting a small dinner party. I've invited eight of my friends, including my brother. Unfortunately my brother hates one of my good friends, and has told me that he won't come to my birthday if she is invited as well. I'm not quite sure why he dislikes her. He organizes camping trips, and I think that she complained to other people about one of his trips, how expensive it was, and that he was possibly making money off of it. Anyway, my brother says that if I invite her, I'm being disloyal to him. What do you think? Is he acting childish, or does he have a point? What if this was my wedding? I can't not invite people just because others may hate them. This is my birthday, don't I have the right to chose whom I invite? -- Confused Birthday Girl

Aunt Dandelion answers: 

Your brother sounds very childish indeed. If all your guests adopt gracious manners for the duration of the dinner, such a petty problem would be overlooked for the sake of a harmonious evening. Etiquette is a means of putting on a veneer of politeness and diplomacy in a social situation.

However, as hostess, it is your duty to compose your party of guests who you feel will be interesting to each other and will mesh well. Since you know in advance that your brother is not going to put aside his feelings, I suggest you leave him out of the dinner party to avoid unpleasantness and embarrassment for your other guests. Perhaps you can have a separate celebration at home for family only.

How to serve yourself condiments

This butter knife must never be used to 
spread butter on your bread. Take a pat
of butter and place it on a clean portion
of your plate, then replace the serving knife 
as you see in this photo.

Aunt Dandelion speaks without being asked:

Dear Readers,

Do you know the correct way to help yourself to butter, mustard, jam, and similar accompaniments that are meant to shared among the people at a table? Aunt Dandelion is frequently aghast at the lack of general knowledge about this simple yet important principle of dining etiquette. 

At table, you have your personal cutlery, which is set around your plate (see photo at the bottom of this post), and then there are serving pieces on the table such as butter knives, sugar spoons, and so on. The serving utensils are for everyone's use, so you must never use them to spread the condiment on your bread, meat, or whatever.

ALWAYS: 

• Take the portion you need with the serving utensil, and daub or drop it on a clean part of your plate. Butter goes on the bread plate, mustard goes on the dinner plate, etc. NOT on your food.
• Immediately return the serving utensil to the communal dish and pass it to the diner on your left (always pass to the left). 
• Use your personal knife, bread knife, or spoon, as appropriate, to spread or otherwise distribute the condiment on your own food. 
• Break bread before buttering - use your fingers to break dry rolls and bread into bite-sized pieces and butter each piece just before you eat it, replacing your butter knife on the bread plate before taking the bite. 

NEVER: 

• Use a serving utensil to spread condiments on your own food. (You may use a ladle to pour sauce or gravy directly over your food, but never touch your food with it.)
• Keep the serving utensil at your own place. This causes a problem for all the other diners. 
• Stir your coffee or tea with the sugar serving spoon. 
• Touch any part of a communal dish, food or server with your fingers or with a utensil that has been in your food or your mouth. 
• Stab the butter knife into the top of the butter. Cut a slice from the end, and replace the knife to the side of the butter. 
• Place a used utensil of any kind directly on the table or tablecloth. This is unsanitary and creates a mess that the hostess will have to clean up later. 

USUALLY :

• Try not to replace a serving utensil into the condiment itself. Replace it on the serving dish that should be underneath any condiment served in a bowl or jar. 
• If your host has not thought of providing a small saucer or plate, you may have to replace the utensil directly in the condiment but this is unfortunate all around. 

Any questions? Ask Aunt Dandelion!

All these utensils at your place are for your personal use.
Daub butter, jam, mustard, etc. onto a clean portion of your plate
using the serving utensil, then spread the condiment on your food
using one of your own personal utensils.

How to have a relaxed yet decorous dinner party

Dining etiquette is a dying art, but Lady Claire MacDonald joined The Hour (on STV)  to remind us of some of the basics.

This short video will be helpful for both guests and hosts.

Guide to the modern, relaxed dinner party (click to watch the video)